you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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