He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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