I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
