I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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