Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
