I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
