I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
