considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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