please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Dick very happy bro
FUCK WHALES
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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