I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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