I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
