when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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