DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
