how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
