By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize