I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
