I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
