I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
