I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
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