I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
