and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
