I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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