The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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