I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize