after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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