my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
