I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
