I think I just saw someone hide a body.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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