We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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