Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
