I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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