Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
