two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
