In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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