Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
