woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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