we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
