One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
This is the high leading the old right now
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
