I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
