I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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