thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
