oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
