Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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