Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
