neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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