My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
