Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
