The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
