The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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