I could make wine with my vomit
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
