I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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