Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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