trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
