I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
