I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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