Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
