She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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