yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I can't put those talents on a resume
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
