Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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