just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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