I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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