you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
