Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
