I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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