omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
